The Last Lost & Wrecked Friendship
I used to always say Adult Friendships are very hard to maintain, and it is much more painful when the Cut Off regime begins. And that too after marriage, all the relations would diminish, specifically in India, without any exception. Here goes my experience of The Wrecked Friendship. Accepting and understanding it would be challenging, but it will always have strong signs that we may ignore due to the strong influence of Friendship.
It is quite hard to learn the process of detachment from the closest ones, but the fact is to accept it. Also, it is our hardest responsibility to know the closeness level that we express with them and weigh it if it is also being expressed by them in a diligent manner as we do. Everyone is different from each other; they have their own lives and space, but if the attachment levels aren’t equal, the other may feel awkward, and we may feel embarrassed.
 This article is a common article from the collection of experiences in the past 6 months; the incidents before December 15, 2018, are removed so that those sweet memories shouldn’t overtake all these kinds of stuff and make me long to recreate them. I’m pretty sure that the subject of this wouldn’t read this post claiming the busiest schedule than President Donald Trump. I am least bothered as I have crossed those worst situations earlier.
If by chance he reads this, only one obligation is never ever hurt or grill anyone in life. If in a situation, you need to depart, just say and get off. This is far better than giving fake promises and the impression that you would come back into anyone’s life, as that could save lots of energy and time. In the end, one word, “COMMUNICATION,” is a powerful catalyst.
Dual Life
No one has a perfect life. And no one is perfect in this world, which includes me too. For sure, I am a very bad character in someone else’s story. But it doesn’t also mean that we are bad to everyone. Sound’s confusing right? Yet it is a fact which most of us fail to understand or accept.
My life is never perfect and willn’t be ever. I have missed many features of my life, and that cannot be so easily listed. For instance, I love to drive a Maruti 800, which is practically not possible because of my height and lack of legroom space in those cars. Yet, I am blessed to drive an Audi Q7. Weird right? Yet it is the fact. I wish I had a sibling fight and care, which I never truly experienced. Probably would deliver this for my kids in the future. Spoiling cousins and getting spoiled by cousins is the next important feature that one could experience. None were done!
When someone gets quite close with me, I feel their way of being and experiencing any of these or things that I missed. In the alternative sense, I am also dragged into a virtual world through them.
Closeness, Importance & Respect
This is quite complicated in bridging any relationship. We may assume others very close enough to us. We would coin them as our CLOSE FRIEND and spend a huge quantum of energy and time on them. While doing such, we fail to understand or realize if they are also having us in the same margin.
The importance which we give them should be reciprocated in the right way. Everyone is busy with their daily agenda and work. But making out sometimes is always the most advisable one. For example, if we could cancel our International Trip for just meeting the friend who is in depression, we should think if he will be able to postpone something of less priority when we met with some accident and would need him.
Utmost, Respect is the critical component for any human being living in this world. When Respect isn’t shown well, it is better to walk away. Respect comes in different ways. It is not the one delivering or addressing with Mr. or Mrs. or Dr., but it is beyond something. For example, if some text is sent the response to be sent when we see it. If someone calls or emails us, we need to answer their call or respond for the email.
Busy for Conventional Texts
The slight or small change in the behaviour of our close people will surely disturb us without any doubt. I had been so keenly experiencing it every time. Here, I had a habit of sending late good nights and early good mornings which was, in turn, responded at the first instance when he was online. I know it was quite stupid and waste of time, but still I did it just not to break the loop. Even days when I missed I have received these conventional texts creating an average of 97.83% days of reciprocation.
Suddenly, for almost a week there was no reciprocation when the texts were sent, but calls were there. It was also a verge when our travel plan was formulated and about to be executed. For me, International Travel was just a cat’s play, but for him, it is one of the major tasks and I assumed that he was quite nervous and busy in the preparation. Ignored those miss outs of the text.
I was literally dying to receive/get acknowledged for the texts. Every time when my mobile was peeping, I thought it would be his text. Even though he was just sitting adjacent to me, I was expecting his texts. Thought it would be normal when he is into the stream again. But sometimes, our mouth doesn’t co-operate well when we want to keep it shut. I out brokenly asked if there was any problem for him to reply, he gave a very polite answer that he was tensed and some odd. But I triggered my daily customary to him.
Dying Cold & Breakfast
We all miss the opportunity to pick-up someone in our life, but we fail to understand how damaging it would be for their health, wealth and time. One such thing happened at Southampton when it was scheduled to pick me from the train station. When I arrived, it was just -2°C and the wind blow was too high where it was feeling like -7°C. Was made to wait for 37 minutes as the train station didn’t have any closed shelter. There was not even a single apology or courtesy to ask if I was OK. Still, didn’t want to make it complicated as he was not feeling well.
Got into the car and started driving. I was damn hungry, if it had been him alone, would have definitely dragged him into some restaurants for breakfast. And the highlight was he gave a text to me that he will be arranging the breakfast from his cousin’s home and advised me not to take any food. But he was with his spouse and I felt it like a breakdown of explicitly asking for food. Managed by taking a break at Starbucks for a Hot Chocolate. Still, my hungry wasn’t pacified. After reaching the destination, I thought of going into some restaurants, but to my dismay, the location disappointed me. It had no restaurants nor café.
Understanding the situation, his spouse offered me to take breakfast twice, but still, the Ego was ruling me as my friend didn’t even invite me. Also, the food which he brought was too less in a quantity such that even it wouldn’t be sufficient for 2 people.
Failed Promises
I was supposed to attend an event of very high profile at the London, United Kingdom. In some linear sense, I was the co-host of the event. When they invited me to be as a part, I committed to them that I will take care of the Photography work. My friend and I sat together created a joint plan so that the event is also being accommodated as a part of his trip. He agreed for the attendance and everything was on the way. Even the day before, I gave him a reminder about the next day event and its timings. He assured his head to be counted in for the same. The day came alive, he popped into the room and asked for the camera that he is going out as the event was only in the afternoon.
I readily sent him off by public transport as I could retain our car for transportation to the event venue. He promised that he will come before an hour of the event. Around 1 PM, I gave a text about the location as he was very new to the London, United Kingdom and he needs to travel from unknown place to the event venue. Usually, it would be around 40 minutes, but to be on a safer side, I gave it at 1 PM itself for the event at 4.30 PM. No acknowledgement came from him even after reading the text. Thought he would be busy and will make up for the event. It had been almost 4 PM and I didn’t find any sign of his presence. Had been fugitive enough.
People around me were getting tensed and tried calling for a last minute photographer. No photographers were available for the 11th hour. I tried reaching him out constantly, it was ringing, but there wasn’t a response from him. After almost 15 minutes he answered the call and responded that he came for visiting UK and not to attend the event and disconnected the call unprofessionally. God, one among the guy around me who heard the conversation started shouting badly on the unprofessional way I relied on him and giving the official camera. I was being constantly accused of mishandling the situation by everyone in the event and I was left in no man’s land. Finally, managed to start the event at 5 PM with the smartphones and completed the event by 6.30 PM.
£ 180 Dinner Wasted
As planned earlier post the event there was a High-Level Gala Dinner for the VIPs. I had included his name and his spouse name into the pre-planned agenda. Even though he didn’t bring breakfast to me the previous day, I don’t want to repeat it to him as it wouldn’t be a right gesture. During the call he said, he will try to join for the Dinner. Sent the venue address, again didn’t get the response. I felt very much awkward in front of all the others as the 2 chairs beside me were left empty.
They had prepared an exclusive Rs. 15,000++ dinner for each and every person. I was like not to waste the food, and in the same sense need to get out of that venue as everyone were asking about the photos and what happened for my friend and his wife. So, planned to take away the food for them and leave the dinner spot. Left as planned. Reached the hotel where we were staying and said to him via text that I brought the food for them. He responded that he wasn’t hungry and needs no food.
Got irritated too much and threw the food into the garbage which I usually don’t do. I didn’t bother about the £ 540 wastage, but for the food. And, the highlight is that he came to my room late the night as soon as he arrived with some foodstuff in his beard.
“Never ever waste Food!!!”
Broken Trust – 1
In any given relationship, TRUST is the more vital component of survival. My Director and good mentor in LBSNAA once during a random discussion said: “Be it any relationship, Trust is the complicated thing which outgrows or ingrows that relationship. If a man is ready to share his Financial & Medical matters with anyone, then he trusts them to the core. If a woman is ready to share her unappareled photos, then she trusts he/she to the core. Do never dismay their trust and maintain the highest level of integrity with them!“.
Trust and Respect are important in an intimate friendship. This defines the level of association which we have with the other. A true friend is someone with whom we can share everything; our problems, happiness, grief without any fear of being judged by him or her. That friendship gives the highest support. Once this trust is broken, friendship gets collapsed. Trust is something that binds two best friends forever.
With trust, you inculcate moral values…
With trust, he/she shall be there for you at all costs…
With trust, you develop a personal understanding…
In general dependability, responsibility, integrity, honesty, and commitment are some words that might help to understand and clarify the meaning of trust. We need trust to establish and deepen our friendships. Trust allows us to feel safe with friends: safe to make plans and safe to share ourselves and our lives. Trust requires that we keep our promises and show demonstrations of dependability, respect, and honour.
Broken Trust – 2
With too much of wastage and unwanted comments passed about my friend’s fugitive attitude by everyone, I was bit depressed and don’t want to see him assuming that I may outburst the tension and scold him. So, handed over the car keys to the Hotel Reception which was a 5* category and asked them to hand it over to him. It seems they tried reaching him out in the room and as he wasn’t there, the reception directed the House Keeping Duty Manager to put the key into his room.
Gosh, don’t know how he lost trust. He banged my room door when he arrived with the food particles attached to his beard. I just opened it and the first question he asked me was “How dare you came into our room without the key?“. I was struck a minute without answering. I never expected this type of question from anyone. I sat very high in the office, many of my sub-staffs would have accessed my Chamber to replace things or for some reason. Even at my home, my parents have been into my room for various reasons. And moreover, the place where we were staying was a very well reputed 5* Hotel which does the cleaning regularly allowing the House Keeping to enter.
I was highly humiliated with his question and he started raising the voice with me. And, I too raised my tone giving counters for his false accusations. After the argument, he left the place feeling insecure. I didn’t glue him as it was just his personal stuff. He wanted to move away cancelling all the surprises which I prepared for him for the New Year Eve and New Year. He abandoned the New Year Eve dinner which was hosted by the Government of UK and visit Madame Tussauds on the New Year.
Broken Trust – 3
When he regretted his words the next day, I demanded the reason. He started giving an excuse and how stupid I have been without understanding the difference between Reasons and Excuses. When I firmly demanded his response, he quoted that anyone would do some perverted things when they are travelling which might have intervened during family private time. I was shocked and in return asked, what would you do if I invited you alone when I am travelling with my family for which he responded: “I will be doing the same!”. Gosh! I have never ever imagined that guy would utter such words.
I don’t compare people, but the situation can be very well compared. A Civil Servant friend of mine called me and asked if I was in the UK. I said yes, and he came up with an obligation quoting his inability to travel. I said I can execute on his behalf and asked what the obligation was. He said he wanted to send his wife for a medical check-up and ultrasonic. Was flabbergasted for a moment and I confessed to him that I am bad in handling/caring for people as I am strongly inexperienced. He responded that she can take care of herself and just need to escort to the hospital. I am pretty sure, I will fail. So, called my office staff based out of the UK and his wife to assist for which they both agreed readily. I was seriously mesmerized on seeing the trust level which he had on me.
Just let it be anyone who had pondered this clarification of entering into others room without their permission, my friend should have shielded me from the wrong accusals. The tone which he raised against me was never an unacceptable thing. Also, he should have possessed some general knowledge about where he is staying and others. Anyway, the mind is a reflection of what we think and how we act.
A move of Separation
In everyone’s life, we have some priority. We cannot always be important in others life. We wanted to depart to India from the UK after the long trip. I was completely unsatisfied with the Trip Experience. That was my first ever time to get that type of feeling after visiting the UK. He wanted to move with his spouse leaving the entire group alone. He moved forward very fastly and I noticed it and ignored.
My departure terminal was different and I had some people to send me off to which I was responding before leaving. When I arrived late to the departure terminal, I saw him he was loitering there and checked with him if everything was fine. He responded everything was fine and I asked him to accompany me to get some water as I was running from one terminal to another. He responded that his wife was alone and he cannot abandon her as she might feel uncomfortable. So he said he wanted to leave and join her. I thought it was caring for her and managed to get water alone.
When I started walking from WH Smith to the terminal gate, I saw him again in some shop roaming around. I was like terribly angry over him but still managed by passing some mocking comments. I failed to understand it was the move away.
Wrong Spends
We both were financially attached. I had the habit of demanding him to pay certain things and stop him from paying most of the things when we are together. Most of the places, he never even takes his card or wallet out to pay. I know that it was unhealthy, but on considering various facts of him being a family man, drawing 1 sixth of my pay and other facts, I somehow felt it was not right to ask him to pay. On the same hand, I cannot pay all his bills or take care of his expenses.
During some discussion, he claimed that his entire trip was a waste of money and I was liable for that. Was staring him with a strong admiration of how someone could refurbish a story in favour of them. When he spoiled my reputation, a grand dinner, new year eve host, Madame Tussauds visit and made my visit a complete disaster I didn’t utter any word about it. The mutual respect wasn’t given and I was taken as granted.
Missed Tea Gifts
In some text, he was mentioning that Ahmedabad, Gujarat tea was famous and really awesome. He suggested me to try it for sure knowing that I was a coffee addict. But still, when someone is suggesting something it is always polite to accept it and that too Friends do never suggest something bad for us. And moreover, in that wavy period, he wasn’t ready to hear my suggestions or comments be it a Social Media image or Display photo.
With that confidence, I asked him to bring some Tea dust on his return after his Gujarat Trip. He said he will definitely get it while coming back.
He returned back and when I was funnily asking for tea he said he completely forgot me and the tea which was associated for me. I said I have access for Ceylon Tea, Da Hong Pao Tea, Panda Dung Tea, Vintage Narcissus Tea and Tieguanyin types of Tea and it doesn’t matter me for that Gujarat Tea. But it exhibited how strong his commitment had been.
Busy for Meetings & Hangouts
Everyone in this Universe has their own priorities and schedules. It is not a standard response to stay away from the hangouts. We could be busy for a hangout for a day, week or month, but not all the times invited. Usually, there is a rule for 4/0 which claims 4 times invited and responded 0 times, we should stop inviting them.
Blocking of WhatsApp
The worse sign of cut-off usually is the Blocking of WhatsApp and Social Media. This was the lesson I learnt a few years ago too. The sign was expressed. Usually when the texts are delivered the intention of discarding comes post being bored. My private number was blocked and I attempted to send messages and yuck it wasn’t getting delivered for 3 days and DP wasn’t visible. I wrote an email to check if he was fine or his mobile was in distress with some kids or someone. After my email, in few minutes again the DP was visible and I got a useless text from him claiming it wasn’t on intention and explained that he never blocked me. Although I didn’t want to make that as a big issue, it was stinting me frequently.
When texts weren’t responded for 2 days in straight, I was worried to check if they are alright in most of my close people cases.
Selective Ignorance
Loss of Respect (Jan 24)
Last Numismatic Gift
We both had a common activity of upholding numismatic collection. We shared the idea of it and he uses to explain to me about the importance of each and every coin or note. We both even shared them whichever was in excess. And, being a step ahead of him, went to various locations of the world and started bringing coins and notes for both of us. It wasn’t a big deal for both of us.
During his visit to the UK, he had ordered few coins from the London Mint which was delivered after his departure. When I got them, I informed him about the same and he texted me that he has been constantly getting the payment reminders from them as he hasn’t paid for them.
Still, to hold my reputation I gave my card credentials as he claimed that he spent all his savings and left with nothing to pay even the mere amount. He didn’t pay, procrastinated so that I am sandwiched and entering into problem intentionally. As expected, I was into a huge problem ending up to pay over 400 pounds including the recovery costs. I was too much offended with his act and wanted to throw it off in his face. But, again was not in the right mood to see his face as I might thrash him for the damages he caused for me. Asked my office to send the same via courier to his residential address. They did send them, and he acknowledged after 32 hours of receiving it.
The image was the gift which I was holding since February 2019 to hand it over when he would visit me at my home. It was a most expensive sort of pen with some polish coins (from 1990 to 2010), Russian Rubbles and some Ceylon Tea. He promised me that he will visit me at my home when he is around, he was around numerous times, but never intended to visit me. That was perfectly fine and I stopped waiting for him in a due course of time. I have divided and dismantled the gift for various persons met in recent days.
Even after months, there had been no change in his attitude and still continued to insult purposefully. When someone says they don’t have time (less than 10 seconds) even after being 2 to 3 hours online, please do never ever trust them even by 1%. They are purposefully avoiding and it is a big NO sign.
Last Phone Call
It is always a human mind which commits mistakes. We wouldn’t be able to differentiate between busy and being ignored. Yet I was also a normal such human being. Called to check if everything was OK as he said he was in some hospital and other such. First, when I called I was in the blocked list. Yet, leaving the EGO I called him again after 2 minutes. Now it was ringing and he answered the call as if I was not welcomed. Didn’t want to behave like him, so asked if everyone in his family is good. In return, he didn’t even ask if I was fine or even those customary questions. While asking itself he disconnected the call and I immediately called him as it was a bad network issue.
After that, when I was asking for some small favour which he promised he will be doing it the next day before 2 months, I reminded him of that. He responded that it cannot be done at his end, which was later done by me in some other location easily. In the meantime, I had some visitors and I felt that I was too much unwanted for him to call. So disconnected and happened to speak with my visitors.
Conclusion
Usually, we get depressed when someone close moves away. The process of attachment and detachment is the most painful thing ever a human being could experience in his/her lifetime. Now, the maturity to handle these kinds of stuff was slowly learnt stage by stage. Though this could have been as a part of the Being Adult series, I thought of penning it down. We are influenced by many means about who should be surrounding us, for instance when we were kids, our parents use to warn and decide whom we should stay with. When we are grown up, spouse defines with whom we should share the space. When we are old enough, society defines which community we should share the space in terms of retirements.
It is hard to get attached, it is harder to get detached but the hardest is staying in between. The energy, time, money, mind, and more importantly the peace is damaged when we stand in between without bidding an adieu or ratifying the wrecked route. It is always better to say whatever we feel directly so that the person on the other end wouldn’t waste his resources and could ably spend it on someone who would be deserving it.
